I have a confession, I am not perfect! I actually make mistakes! (I know right, who knew?)  I know what my issues are, and know that I am a “work in progress“.  I also know that I have no right to judge anyone, and “he without sin casts the first stone“. So I cannot understand racism at all!  Being nasty to someone just because their skin colour is different to yours is insane! Unless you know someone intimately, you cannot know fully why someone acts like they do, and even if you have been married for years you still might not know!

There has been something recently that has made me really wound up and have a negative attitude. The thing that made me most angry was the constant thought that I had no right to feel angry! So I reverted to my fall back position of “bottling it up” and thinking “I don’t care, it doesn’t matter!” But that has only made it worse, as it did matter to me and I did care!

It took a long conversation with my mum to make me realise that I have been judging (despite my belief that I never judge!) and in my negative mood I had taken a situation that wasn’t an issue and made it one!  Added to other hurts that I had also bottled up, it all came to a head and it needed to be dealt with, I didn’t want it any more and neither did my family (cannot blame them I was being a grump!)

My mum reminded me that we all need to look at others how God sees them, none of us are perfect, all of us have flaws, it’s only when we look through God’s eyes that we see things in the right way!

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My walk & talk with my mum took us halfway up a hill, when I looked back down I saw the amazing beauty of the countryside around me and realised how much God is at work around us, every field is unique, every building is unique, despite being built by man, it was the creativity given them by God to use different materials and colours to make no one house the same!

Like the farmhouses, each of us are unique, even identical twins will have different traits or aims, nature and nurture make us who we are as adults. However much I think I consider this already, I still need to remember that the reason someone is short with me, appears arrogant/rude, is grumpy or always in a negative mood, may be from issues from their childhood/home life or they have been having a really bad day at work/school!

My “schoolmates” at high school acted really badly towards me and I made a conscious decision to not let them see my annoyance, so now no one apart from my close family will ever see me being angry, and I know it is wrong as they get the brunt of it when I have had enough!

Some people think that I am calm and like a swan “paddling like crazy below but looking calm up top!” But I actually bottle it up, fortunately the capacity for my bottle of stress and anger has grown into a cask but at some point it has to come out!

I now need to make another conscious decision to actually approach people and tell them how I feel, if they do not know they have annoyed me or hurt me how will they know?

I thought I had forgiveness sorted, whenever I heard a sermon on forgiveness I thought to myself “I have no one to forgive!” but I actually haven’t, some of my hurts are still unresolved!  God has been so gracious and faithful in loving me, despite my faults, despite my attitudes, despite my self-centred thoughts, I am not on my second chance, I am probably on my thousandth! God’s patience with me is incredible, I don’t deserve anything but he has given me so much, it is easy to forget in the moment of anger and jealousy what you have already been so blessed with!

I know that God is working on me, I know I need to put a lot more effort in to doing what he has given me. I also now know that like this monument which was built at the top of a steep hill, that I managed to walk up with my 2 children, my brother and our mum. When it is finished I will look back and.say “it was worth it!”

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